You! Lizard-chaser! Old eater-of-frogs! Here’s cold steel for you – if you’ve a taste for it.” Conan

I have a game that I like to play sometimes. I don’t really have a name for it, but if I had to give it one, I might choose to call it “Yosemite Sam Does Shakespeare”. Here’s how you play.

First, this is usually best enjoyed alongside an amicable audience so, basically, anyone you would normally be willing to share your unfettered thoughts with is going to make a good accomplice to have along for the experience. You know the kind of friends I mean: the ones that everything gets funnier around them the later you stay up past midnight.

Second, this game will require a target you feel comfortable insulting. I prefer to play this while I’m enjoying a cooperative video game with a friend. A sports game, a racing game, a fighting game, something where we are working together in a competitive spirit against a computer with no level of emotional cognizance to be hurt.

Last comes the creative part. It’s easy enough to throw out a curse word for most people, especially when surrounded by others who you know will not react negatively to it (such as close friends). But why not recycle that accepting atmosphere into a place where experimentation is embraced?

Instead of just spitting out the typical array of profanities, the next time you’re around a friend you’re comfortable looking like an idiot in front of, try doing RANDOM WORD COMBINATION INSULTS.

That CPU enemy isn’t a bastard – it’s a q-tip stabbing, vacuum guzzling peroxide bottle.

The level boss just beat you… again? It’s not an SOB. It’s an FMPDwaSfaS: a flyswatter mating plushy doll with a sawblade for a soul!

You’ll be surprised how satisfying it can be to refer to your competitor as a coat hanger.

I mean, yes, at first glance it makes no sense, but if you take the time to super-analyze what you’ve said it can create some rather ridiculously funny psychological extemporization.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this more comical post, find a chance to employ it to your own desires, and feel free to leave a comment with any resultant insults you found particularly pleasing.

As always, here are the additional quotes I found of interest in Conan #5:

  • “Why is everyone running like startled toads?” Conan
  • “I never did like the idea of fleeing like a hare, not while I’ve got a sword-hilt in my fist.” Conan
  • “You! Lizard-chaser! Old eater-of-frogs! Here’s cold steel for you – if you’ve a taste for it.” Conan
  • “We’re poor men, but honest and straightforward. We want Zukala disposed of… and will pay for the privilege.” Stranger “I’m blunt myself. How much?” Conan
  • “We have seen the eons pass floating like burning clouds” Zephra
  • “The last truth that you shall ever know.” Zukala